It’s that time of year when I see lots of posts on social media with moms sharing photos of their kids graduating from high school and college. It sometimes seems like a million years ago when I was doing the same thing. I can clearly recall the bittersweet joy that accompanied that season of life. And I say ‘bittersweet’ because of the sadness that I felt at the time thinking that my motherhood journey was coming to an end.
In today’s post from June 2013, I am sharing how photography helped me to see my motherhood journey in a new light. And the great joy in this lesson was realization that my journey in motherhood will never come to an end. There will be many more special moments to capture along the way.
It just so happens that yesterday was my beautiful girl’s 30th birthday – ten years since my big ‘aha’ moment. And true to that revelation, there have been so many moments, big and small, that I have been able to capture from behind the lens of my trusty Canon.
And I am looking forward to capturing all of the good stuff yet to come.
Have I told you lately how much I love photography?
This time of year, the way the evening sun comes through the trees is so beautiful to me, and I love sitting out on the front porch to soak it up.
The other night, Kelsey joined me on my front porch sit, and she was showing me her serious bubble-making skills. A couple of weeks ago, she and I made a pass through the ‘summer up’ section at target and we just couldn’t resist buying a bottle of bubbles.
So while Kelsey was blowing bubbles, I was snapping photos.
Can I tell you….it was so perfect. Such a sweet summer moment with my girl. And as I snapped away, I just felt my heart swell with so much love and gratitude. And to be able to accurately (in my mind’s eye) capture this moment, this special memory with my camera…well that was just the icing on the cake.
If I am being completely honest, occasionally I get a little wistful in moments like this. Wishing I had had these kinds of camera skills when Kelsey was younger. Don’t get me wrong though…I have some pictures that I love…pictures of my girl that really captured her essence (in my opinion) as she grew through the years. But i sometimes I just wish I knew then what I know now.
And I guess really….that’s kind of the case with how I feel about motherhood in general.
Back then, taking pictures of my girl was still very much about capturing memories – I am a scrapbooker after all. And I am happy to have documented the big stuff and even some of the small stuff too. When I look back though…if I am being totally honest with myself…so much of my ‘documenting’ came from a place of grasping and fear. Like, this might be the last time she {fill in the blank with any ordinary childhood activity}. Because that was my fear…that it would all come to an end. That motherhood would come to an end.
I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately, and one thing that really hit home for me is that, from the moment my daughter came into this world, she was already headed out the door. Yes, my obligation as a mother has always been to nurture and care for my girl. But it is also very much a responsibility to raise a young person who is capable of functioning in society as an independent and responsible adult.
It seems so silly now because here I am, a little over two years of my daughter being away at college. And for the life of me I don’t know where I got the idea that motherhood would end. Because although she is a responsible adult now, my role as her mother isn’t over…it just looks completely different. Instead of needing me to wash her clothes and prepare her meals, It’s helping her to see the big picture a little better. Helping her set and achieve her goals. Remind her of who she is when life tears her down.
Now I’m not going to lie…there will always be some things that I really miss…like rocking my girl to sleep, or the way her head smelled after a bath. Reading to her before bed, picking her up after school….
Anyway, if I went on too much longer with this, my husband would probably come home to find me curled up on the couch, weeping, looking through old scrapbooks.
What can I say…apparently I am a glutton for punishment today.
But here is something I realized while blow-drying my hair the other day (which in case you’re curious is where I do most of my best thinking). And that is, yes…for the 18 years that Kelsey lived at home, I was her mother. And that time of my life was wonderful. BUT! For the next however many years I have on this earth, I am still her mother. And looking down the long road of motherhood, 18 years is such a small part of the whole journey. I get to be this mother for so much longer.
The key to unlocking this outlook though, was a bitter pill to swallow. And my gosh I have choked on it more times than I care to admit. And that is…I had to let go. I had to let go of my hanging on for dear life mentality. I had to let go of my fear.
I had to let go of my girl.
But when I did that…When I stopped mourning the loss of that part of my life. When I opened up my tight grip. When I let go of what I thought motherhood was, what I got in return is a lifetime of wonderful motherhood memories yet to be made.
I like to joke that motherhood is not for sissies. It is profoundly life changing, and I have the stretch marks on my belly and my heart to prove it. But what i have discovered is that there is so much more to motherhood than I could have ever possibly realized.
The great joy in this lesson is that realization that my journey in motherhood will never come to an end. There will be many more moments like this to capture. And now the beauty of photography, for me, is that I am able to capture these memories with an open heart. So with my girl and my trusty camera, I am ready for the long road ahead with a heart full of gratitude.
Love, Kelly
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