my rebuilding year

a rebuilding year.  that’s what they call it in football when they change up the strategy and move in a new direction.

{or at least that’s my understanding of the explanation provided by my dear husband.}

anyway, a rebuilding year commences when a coach hires a new, lead player and then the rest of the team has to get with the program.  often, additional players are needed to carry out the new vision and direction so that is put into consideration as well.  rebuilding years aren’t usually winning seasons.  they know that going in.  but it’s worth the disappointment in the short term to building something better for the future.

i am thinking of this as my rebuilding year.

the way i see it, i have three starting players on my team – my heart, my head, and my hands.  but last year, my heart sort of checked out for a bit.  which was bad, because in my case, my heart has to be the quarterback.  my heart has to be the leader of this team.  my heart has to be at the helm of my creative vision.  but last year it wasn’t…and while my heart was out on IR {that’s ‘injured reserve’ for non-sports folks like you and me}, my head and my hands took over.  which meant i felt completely disconnected and went into major hustle mode.  and that’s not the game i want to play.

so what does it really mean for me to CONNECT?  what does it mean to live a life that feels connected?  when do i feel most connected?  these are some things i’ve been pondering for the past month or so.  and though i don’t always have a specific, clear idea of what that looks like, i for sure know that connection is not possible when i’m rushing through my days..feeling like a slave to my to-do list.  this is a one-way ticket to the very worst version of myself.

instead, living a connected life means that i have to take care of myself – physically (nutrition and sleep especially), mentally (whitespace), and spiritually (prayer life).  feeling connected means that i have to embrace the mess.  sit with the uncomfortable.  give myself permission to process negative emotions and not just brush them under the carpet.  feeling connected also means that i have to create healthy boundaries for some key areas of my life (social media, commitments, projects) if i want to having meaningful, undistracted time with the people i love most.

it’s a tall order.  i know this.  but when i get it right….it feels like {A}rt.

for some reason, i sort of had this idea that i should have all this figured out by now.  especially after all of the growth i’ve experienced over the past several years.  but that’s not how life works at all is it?  rather than a once and done sort of thing, it’s really so much more of an ebb and flow.  and although this year feels a bit like the ebb tide, i’m choosing to look at it as the opportunity to rebuild.  looking to my faith as a gameplan and trusting the process.

yesterday was my 48th birthday.  and i am so grateful for the opportunity to continue to grow and learn. even when it’s messy and uncomfortable.  because i know that this is where mercy and and light and grace live.

always grace.

thank you for continuing to let me share it all with you.

love, kelly