I Tried

Perhaps this has happened to you. That you find yourself faced with a big life change and you feel royally stuck. Knowing that the way you’ve always done things in the past won’t work anymore, but yet being so completely terrified of the future that it feels impossible to move forward.

Stuck.

That was me a year and a half ago. I shared a little bit about my fears, but for the most part I kinda glossed over it in my blog at the time because 1) I hadn’t been blogging all that long and hadn’t really found my voice, so to speak and had a hard time finding the words. And 2) which in all honestly is probably more of the case, I am TERRIBLE at sharing my problems. At least while they’re happening (really, ask my mom).

So anyway, there I was in the middle of my soon-to-be-empty nest induced, mid-life crisis. Feeling so frustrated. So stuck. So powerless. And so one dreary Saturday afternoon I was down in the basement and had my scrapbook stuff spread out all over the bar. I had been watching a bunch of you-tube videos of gals doing collage and mixed-media art, so I just decided to mess around with my vast collection of scrapbook and craft supplies and see what I could make.

As it turned out, the process of creating this little mini-book thing (I don’t really even know what you’d call it) was so cathartic.

It felt so good just getting all that crap out. No rules, no expectations…the final product didn’t even matter so much as freeing the emotions that had been whirling around in my head. Somehow it seemed, through uniting my head, my heart, and my hands, I found healing. And so I just left it on there on the bar and would give it a little nod whenever I walked past. It became a little reminder to myself that somehow, in all the mess, everything was going to be OK.

So fast forward a few more months and I decided to take the One Little Word class. There was no question in my mind what my word was going to be. My word chose me. And so for the past year I have been on this journey with my friend TRY – she has been like music in the background of my life.

Throughout the year with all the various monthly exercises, I always found myself coming back in particular to the very first month. Those intentions/invitations seemed to really be what the journey was about for me.

Looking back over the year, there were indeed many frustrations and at times I was so uncomfortable I wanted to crawl out of my own skin. But man I learned so much about myself.  I think, in essence, this particular journey has been about letting go of the fear of what other people think and the fear of failure. Learning to ignore the voice of my inner critic and crippling comparison. Learning to love and accept myself for who I am. And perhaps most importantly, learning to believe in myself.

And can I tell you…it feels so good.

So now, it sort of begs the question, ‘Where do I go from here?’ Well, I have some ideas. And I have a word. (I’ll share more about that later) And I am looking forward to the journey.

As always, I am grateful for all your kind words and encouragement, especially to the OLW community of which I became a part.

Peace, Kelly

P.S. There are two very dear people in my life who are facing some big life changes. Who can’t continue in the ways of the past and are learning new ways of stepping into the future. I just want to send out this little prayer…it’s going to be OK.  Somehow.  Someway.  One step at a time.  Even if you are scared, just try. I know you can do it.  I believe in you. Love, Kelly