A Self Portrait

Last week, my photography group’s challenge was to take self-portraits. It was a collective, “ugh.” But the prompt leader gave us lots of great encouragement and inspiration. So I did as she suggested and bought a remote shutter release, then one afternoon I set up my camera and started snapping away.

Even with the handy little shutter release thingy I bought, some of my attempts at getting a decent self-portrait were colossal failures.  Let me introduce you to the top of my head.

{Thank God I just had my hair done!}

Some of the other photos I took were out of focus and/or just plain ridiculous.  The photo on the left is me laughing as Kelsey made fun of my ghetto-fabulous camera setup.  And on the right is my very lame attempt at being cool.  Duck lips and all.

In all I took about 150 photos that day and I got a few that I think are decent. Here is my token artsy, black and white, contemplative shot.

And finally, I think this one is pretty much me –white t-shirt, ponytail, favorite earrings – although it’s really hard to be objective about your own face.

What’s funny is that I can mug for snapshots with my friends and family no problem. Especially when someone I love is behind the camera. But it’s entirely different when it’s just me and the camera. And I get so self-conscious. Do I really look like that??Every picture I’m thinking how can I best pose so I don’t see all my sun damage. Or look 10 pounds thinner. Trying not to smile too big so my eyes aren’t so squinty and my laugh lines aren’t as noticeable.

Self-portraiture is not for sissies!

It was nice to know that everyone in my photography group had a hard time too and that it wasn’t just me.  Plus it was so great to see how everyone gave such lovely feedback and was so encouraging on everyone’s photos.  It’s one of the things I’ve come to really enjoy being part of this group.  And I love the inspiration – even when it’s challenging like this prompt.  The thing is, doing these sorts of exercises is not really about how to take better photos. It’s really so much more about learning to see things differently. How to find extraordinary in the everyday. Appreciating beauty where others might not see it.

You know, I’ve taken a lot of photos and I like to think that I’m pretty good at finding beauty in unexpected places. I mean good Lord I wrote a whole blog post about finding beauty in dead flowers! But finding beauty when I turn the camera inward?? Well that’s a different story altogether.

I thought about this all last week. About the critical eye I so often turn toward myself. How no one has ever mocked me for my brown spots or acne scars. If they can see past it, why can’t I? The challenge for me then became finding beauty in these imperfections that are a source of so much anxiety for me.  The challenge is, can I see medifferently?

So rather than seeing a few extra pounds, could I appreciate my love of good food and sharing wonderful meals with friends and family? Freckles night with Tripp and Kelsey? Or what about instead of a few lines around my eyes, I could see the good times and laughter shared with my friends. How about instead of blotchy, sun-damaged skin, it’s many a happy summer spent on the back of boat. Watching Kelsey getting up on skis the first time.  My love of nature and the outdoors.  I guess I could do that.  It’s all good stuff and wonderful memories.

But those acne scars …sigh…that’s a little more difficult…….I don’t know…….my thirties were just hard sometimes. Tripp was traveling a lot and I was still working full-time. A classic, strung-out working mom. Then the struggles with infertility. Losing my friend Robin to cancer. So much worry and sadness during that part of my life….. But maybe, instead of focusing on that, I could learn to see a brave soul.  Someone who clung to her Faith and persevered.  Maybe appreciate the journey she’s been on.

I don’t know…I think I might like to get to know this girl.

This challenge really opened my eyes and for first the first time in my life, I think I am learning what it means to accept myself. And I don’t mean in an apathetic “it is what it is” kind of way. But rather, accept as in receive. Embrace. Learning to accept the flaws and imperfections. Learning to embrace the person on the other side of the camera. She is me and I am her. And when I look at her closely, what I see is a child of God who has been blessed with a loving family and a wonderful life. Blessed with the support of family and friends. A girl with hopes and dreams who is learning to believe in herself…

It’s finally starting to come together for me in so many ways. Yes, I am flawed and imperfect. But instead of focusing on that, I’m going to start giving this girl some grace and maybe try to see her the way the others see her. Not be so critical and hard on her.  And most importantly, learn to see her the way GOD sees her.

I think it’s about time.

Peace, Kelly